Posted by: laughs4dads | January 25, 2010

Hallen’s Laws

(From time to time, I will be posting natural laws that are specific to parents or anyone else who lives with small, mischievous creatures. These are laws that I have collected through direct observation. Feel free to email your own and I will post the best in future editions.)

The First Law of Collection: Whenever you clean up a multi-piece toy or game, there will always be one piece left on the floor, and you will not find it until after you’ve put the toy or game away. On a high shelf.

The Promise Proposition: When you promise to buy your child something at the toy store in the mall as a means by which to get said child to quietly accompany you to said mall, said toy store will not have whatever it was you promised to buy said child. Corollary: Nothing else will do.

The Edible Edict: The only thing your child will want to eat at any given moment will be something you don’t have in the house. Corollary: After you go out to get it, your child will no longer want it.

The Mathematical Law of Car Music: When you are driving with your child, listening to a CD of children’s songs, you must wait at least five minutes after the child dozes off before removing the CD. This is because there is a subconscious part of your child’s mind that continues to listen even after the child falls asleep, and will wake the child and force the child to scream wildly if the CD is removed too soon. This is called “premature ejection.”

Adjunct to the Mathematical Law of Car Music: Every once in awhile, you will realize that you are driving around town listening to a CD of children’s songs even though your child is not presently in the car. Worse, you are singing along. With the windows opened. So you know that at least three people have heard you singing “She’ll Be Comin’ ‘Round the Mountain” at the top of your lungs. And they are people you know.

The Footwear Formula: The amount of time it takes for a child to outgrow a pair of shoes is determined by the amount of money the shoes cost. The more they cost, the faster they’ll be outgrown.

The Disease Decree: If there is a child anywhere in your state who has a contagious disease, your child will catch it.

The Comparison Code: You can always find something that your child does better than any other child you know. Corollary: The same goes for every other parent, so don’t brag.

The .500 Batting Average Law of Training: If potty training goes easily for any given child, it will be difficult to get that child off bottles. And vice versa. If your child gives up bottles willingly, he’ll probably be wearing diapers on dates.

The Rule of the Road:
While on a long car trip, the only time your recently-potty-trained child will have to go to the bathroom is immediately after you pass a rest stop. Corollary: It’ll be a long way to the next one.

The Plush Principle: The stuffed animal your child is most attached to will be the first one–maybe even the only one–that falls apart. Corollary: Somehow, it just won’t be the same after you sew it up.

The Menagerie Mandate: A child will accumulate exactly one more stuffed animal than you have allotted room for. Corollary: The extra one (the one you try to put into storage) will be your child’s favorite, whichever one it turns out to be. Especially if it’s the first one to tear.

The Mysterious Law of Video: If you have a 120 minute video, it will take at least three hours to find the scene where baby takes its first step.

The Late Night TV Law: If you are up with your baby in the middle of the night, there will be nothing to watch on television except 30-minute commercials for car wax. This is true even if you have a satellite dish and get 115 stations, some of which are from foreign countries (only then, the car wax commercials are in Spanish).

The First Rule of Baby Sitter Conversation: Try not to wince visibly when the babysitter calls you “Mr.” or “Mrs.” It undermines your authority.

The Second Rule of Baby Sitter Conversation: Baby sitters will make you feel old.



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