Posted by: laughs4dads | February 13, 2010

Weekend Rant: Olympic Edition

From time-to-time, I’ll be doing an extra, off-topic weekend post about something I find annoying or lacking in common sense.

Today’s topic is the Olympics. I know they have arrived because NBC has been promoting them for roughly two years by telling us “426 days until the Winter Olympics.”  “279 Days Until the Winter Olympics,” etc., and because every other commercial on TV is making some lame analogy to an Olympic sport.  (“When I run in the Olympics, I want to take the Gold.  But when I want to stop running, I take Imodium. Imodium, the official anti-diarrhea medicine of the Winter Olympics.”)

I just sat through the spectacle of the Opening Ceremonies, otherwise known as “The Parade of Nations, Many of Which Have Only One Athlete, Most of Whom Actually Live and Train in America,” and I wonder if the person who wrote the banter for Matt Lauer and Bob Costas is the same person who writes the banter for Matt Lauer and Meredith Viera for the Thanksgiving Parade (it was shocking to learn how many countries in the world are smaller than Rhode Island).

But that’s not what’s got me ranting today.  My issue with the Olympics is that there are too many non-sports. And you know which ones I’m talking about. Sorry all you figure skaters, ice dancers, gymnasts, divers and synchronized swimmers.

Yes, those events are all competitions. But so are Spelling Bees, and you wouldn’t call them a sport. And I’m not denying that the competitors in these events are athletes. They most certainly are. But if the definition of a sporting event is “a competition in which athletic people participate,” then “So You Think You Can Dance” should be on ESPN.  Think about it–what really is the difference between that and the events I mentioned earlier?

In short, it’s not a sport if any of these conditions exist…

1. There are costumes instead of uniforms. (Sequins=automatic disqualification.)
2. There is a choreographer involved.
3. Music is an integral part of the event.
4. The suffix “-capade” can be appended to the name of the event.
5. The participants are routinely given flowers.
6. Results are determined solely by judges. If I can’t see who accomplished something more than someone else did: who ran faster; who jumped farther; who lifted the most; who swam faster; who was left standing; etc., it’s not a sport. Yes, I know, boxing matches are often decided by judges, but only as a second resort.

Anyway, that’s the way it is. And I don’t suspect that this will become the official blog of the US Olympic Team any time soon.


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