Posted by: laughs4dads | March 1, 2010

More of Hallen’s Laws

(From time to time, I will be posting natural laws that are specific to parents or anyone else who lives with small, mischievous creatures.  These are laws that I have collected through direct observation.  Feel free to leave comments with your own and I will post the best in future editions.)

The Mandate of Parental Mismanagement: In the raising of children, you will do at least five things which a psychiatrist can later blame for any number of neurotic tendencies.

The Code of Cookie Currency: Children will do anything in exchange for a cookie, and you will feel guilty because you had to bribe them.  (A tip here: Don’t think of it as a bribe; think of it as a bargain.)

The Safety Statute: If it’s made so a child can’t open it, you won’t be able to either.

The Habit Hypothesis: Your child will choose only to emulate your bad habits.

The Heirloom Assumption: When you are ready to pass your 1,200-piece toy soldier collection down to your child, you will discover that your parents threw it away when you went off to college.

The Heirloom Assumption Redemption: It is just as well that your toy soldiers have been discarded, as you would have been devastated when your child expressed a preference for Adolescent Mutant Samurai Anteaters.

The Heirloom Assumption Continuum: When your child wants to pass his or her collection of Adolescent Mutant Samurai Anteaters to your grandchild, you will have to break the news: you threw it away when he or she went away to college.

The Damage Assessment Theorem: Two children working together will do more damage to a house than can be done by the individual efforts of the same two children.  Three children will increase the damage by a factor of three.  In other words, if two children would break three vases, three children would break nine.  Interestingly, however, the addition of a fourth child will actually decrease damage, as a group of four children are much more intent on mutilating themselves than their surroundings.

The Package Principle: The more expensive the toy, the more your child will like the box.

The Photographic Formula: Your child will sit still and not move only when you have a video camera.

The Diaper Decree: Cloth diapers might be better for the environment than disposables, but not if your environment is a one bedroom apartment.  Unless it is not the same apartment where the diapers are.

The First Statute of Supermarkets: Any given supermarket will always have the extra large boxes of every size disposable diaper, except the size for which you’re looking.

The Second Statute of Supermarkets: Jars of baby food always have prices like “10 for $1.25.”  And when you get to the checkout counter, you will always find exactly nine jars in your cart, regardless of how many you actually took off the shelf.   Corollary: No matter what kind of baby food you took off the shelf, half of the jars will always be creamed spinach.

The Third Statute of Supermarkets: The louder your baby is crying by the time you get to the checkout counter, the more likely it is that the scanner will not work.

The Song Statute: All children’s songs have the same melody.  Corollary: Your child will be out of tune on all of them.

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