Posted by: laughs4dads | March 12, 2010

One of Those Questions, Part II

In my last post, I recounted the horrifying tale about my three-year-old daughter discovering an anatomically-correct toy goat, and the conversation my poor wife had to endure.

Now I will tell you what I had to do about it.

I had to go to a bookstore and find an anatomy book written for three year olds.

I didn’t have a particular title in mind; for all I knew, maybe there was a Body Part A-B-C Book or something (“A is for Abdomen…”).  At the book store, I located the children’s section easily enough, but I found nothing with a title like Dick and Jane Get Naked.  I stalled by selecting a children’s atlas, since Casey had also been asking about my business trips.  (“Where’s Dollahs, Taxes, daddy?” she had asked, sounding frighteningly like Groucho Marx.)  So now I would be able to show her the southern part of the United States, but not the southern part of the male body.  My lunch hour was coming to an end, so I could delay no longer.  I would have to ask for help.

I didn’t like to ask for help in stores any more than I liked to ask for driving directions.  If I was trying to get to Florida, and found myself driving past polar bears, I wouldn’t stop for directions.  Instead, I’d keep going, swearing that Jacksonville was going to be right around the next ice floe  (I have a GPS now, but I resent having to listen to it.)

So it was with great trepidation that I decided to seek help in finding a body part book for Casey.  Fortunately, there was a clerk right on the spot, placing the latest Mutant Reptile book on the shelves.  Unfortunately, this clerk was an extremely attractive blonde female with an above average amount of anatomical correctness.  I know I shouldn’t have felt uncomfortable asking her for a book that would answer my daughter’s questions about penises, but I did.  So sue me.

I now began searching the shelves frantically, hoping beyond hope that I could find something appropriate on my own, swearing that Mother Goose Reproduces was right around the next aisle.  Frankly, I might have purchased a copy of Gray’s Anatomy rather than ask this woman for assistance, but then she asked me if I needed help.

Reflexively, the hand holding the children’s atlas dropped to my groin area.  “I’m looking for a book,” I said.

She smiled.  “Well, you’ve come to the right place.”

I cleared my throat once or forty times.  “I mean, I’m looking for a book for my daughter.  She’s three, and she’s asking questions.”

“What kind of questions?”

I thought her demand for specifics was getting just a tad annoying.  “You know, about, um, body parts.  And stuff.”

“Oh.”  She thought for a moment.  “There’s a very good pop-up book about that,” she said.

Thirty or so punch lines appeared spontaneously in my mind, but I stifled them.  “Great, where is it?”

“We don’t have it.”

I ended up with a lift-the-flap book that was not ideal, but that at least had illustrations of naked children so that Casey could see that what Barbara had told her applied to kids as well as goats.  That is, human kids as well as kid goats.

Barbara read the book to Casey and explained everything, while I went around the house, checking all her other toys.  Carefully.

And we thought we had satisfied Casey’s curiosity.  Until the next day.  When Barbara had to explain to Casey’s teachers why our daughter had asked all the boys in class to remove their pants.



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