Posted by: laughs4dads | April 7, 2010

The Music Womb

Last week, on April Fool’s Day, I made up a bunch of ridiculous products for children. Now I’m going to tell you about a real one.

It’s called a “Bellysonic,” and it’s a belt that pregnant women are supposed to wear. You hook up your iPod, and the thing plays music into your stomach. This is so your child, who, let me remind you, is currently unborn, can listen to the same crappy music you listen to.

This will, according to theory, instill the child with an innate love of music…assuming the mother is not a fan of gangsta rap.

Let’s say that’s true, that this gadget really works, that your baby can emerge humming “O, Danny Boy.” Then what right do we have, as parents-to-be, to foist our musical tastes upon our children, who, I’d like to point out again, haven’t been born yet!

What makes you so sure your baby likes what you like? Sure, you might think you’re giving the kid culture by playing Miles Davis or Bach or Coldplay or Broadway show tunes, but for your fetus, it might be the equivalent of being stuck in an elevator for nine months listening to the Boston Pops version of “Hey Jude” or a Barry Manilow greatest hits album.

And what if it all has the opposite of the desired effect? What if the baby’s teeny tiny, and, by the way, prenatal, ears are simply not developed enough to appreciate the subtleties of a Sills aria, or the droning of Dylan, or the unique rhythm of Dave Brubeck’s classic “Take Five?” What if being pre-born means you can’t take anything more sophisticated than pre-Barney? And what if that means the kid will come out already hating the music you love?

It would serve you right.

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