Posted by: laughs4dads | April 16, 2010

Parental Immaturity: A Case History

In my last post, I spoke generally about how kids cause a decrease in the mental faculties of the adults around them. Now, let’s take a closer look at the mental deterioration of a typical parent.

The following are lab notes made during a research study of a questionable scientific nature.  They were made some 22 years ago, but have only recently come to light:

Our test subject is a 33-year old woman.  For the purposes of this case study, let’s call her “Barbara Hallen.” She has a two-year old daughter whom we will call “Casey.”  And she has a 34-year old husband we will refer to as “me,” or, in some cases, “I.”

Prior to having a child, “Barbara” was of fairly high intelligence as upper primates go, even though she read People Magazine. Upon giving birth, the first thing she did (after throwing up) was to abandon all her old, childless friends (after all, who wants friends who are smarter than they are?) in favor of a whole new group of friends.  The only thing these new friends had in common with “Barbara” was a child of approximately the same age that was enrolled in the same baby gym class.  “Barbara’s” husband, “me,” abandoned his old, childless friends and adopted as his new buddies the husbands of “Barbara’s” new friends, with whom his only common ground was the intense desire to spend a few minutes away from their kids.

Signs of mental deterioration appeared almost instantly.  Sometimes, all of these so-called adults would gather with their offspring in one location for what they called a “get-together,” but which was really a rather anarchistic group therapy session.  On these occasions, the group became immediately segregated.  The female adults congregated in the kitchen to discuss various stages of development, presumably in their children.  The male adults gathered in the garage to smoke cigarettes and talk wistfully about how old their kids would have to be before they could be taken on a vacation that included an all-day children’s program. The babies came together on the floor of a living room that will never be the same again and apparently attempted to exchange eyeballs.

As we can see, both female and male adults had already lost the ability to discuss adult topics such as, in the case of the women, the faults of their husbands and, in the case of the men, large breasts.

In a few months, the deterioration was even more evident.  At that time, four couples went to an actual grown-up restaurant that did not even have a children’s menu, intending to enjoy a pleasant evening among people over two years old.  However, by this stage, mental capacity had been reduced so dramatically that even a simple discussion of the weather was beyond their abilities, as demonstrated in this exchange:

ADULT #1: What do you think about this weather?
ADULT #2: Benjamin stood up today.

By the time dessert came, some of the more advanced cases were seen holding their napkins in front of their faces and playing “Peek-a-boo,” and one person was observed drinking a martini from a little plastic cup with a lid on it.

As difficult as this may be to imagine, mental capacity broke down even more when “Barbara” interacted with “Casey.” She was observed responding to her daughter’s verbal output, even when said output was nothing more than a random string of sounds.  “I” was no better; in some cases, “I” continued to play with toys after “Casey” had walked away.

The prognosis is not good for “Barbara” and “me.”  At the present rate of deterioration, it may not even be possible for them to maintain adult thought processes long enough to complete this hgjfggfhddfdytrtrjhgjfhgdytyfeykt

The journal ends abruptly at this point. There is a stain on the paper that looks suspiciously like creamed spinach.



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