Posted by: laughs4dads | May 21, 2010

How Much Is That Puppy (Goldfish, Hamster, Frog, Rabbit, Kitten, Etc.) in the Window? Part VI: Pop Quiz

Over the last two weeks, I’ve been writing about kids and animals. Now it’s time to see if you’ve been paying attention. So I’ve prepared a brief, multiple choice quiz.

1. The best reason to get a child a pet is:
A. To teach him responsibility
B. To make him stop nagging you to get him a pet
C. Because you want a pet
D. None of the above

Answer: C. Rationalize it any way you want, but you will end up taking care of the pet, so you’d better want the pet. (D. is also acceptable.)

2. The one thing you should never do is:
A. Let your child name the pet
B. Let your child sleep with the pet
C. Let your child keep a stray

Answer: A. In our case, we ended up with a hamster named Henrietta and a dog named Joanna, which was embarrassing when I walked her and someone asked her name.

3. The best kind of pet for a child under five is:
A. A small lizard
B. A small fish
C. A small dog
D. A large cookie

Answer: D. If you can buy the kid off with a cookie, you may not have to get him a pet at all.

4. When your young child wants to bring the “class pet” home for the weekend, the best response is:
A. Tell her to wait for a weekend when you’ll be out of town and your parents will be babysitting
B. Ask what kind of pet it is and, whatever it is, claim to be allergic to it
C. Offer instead to allow your child to stay in school with the animal over the weekend
D. Shoot the teacher

Answer: A. Not B, because you don’t want to lie to your child. Not C. because you’re never entirely sure about the janitor. Not D, because the substitute teacher might send the pet home anyway.

5. The best breed of dog for a small child is:
A. One that is hypoallergenic
B. One that is hyperactive
C. One that is tolerant of kids
D. One that does not eat small children
Answer D. Unless the neighbors have a real brat.

6. The most important trick you can teach a pet bird is:
A. To say, “Little Johnny’s watching porn. Little Johnny’s watching porn.”
B. Pecking your daughter’s boyfriend’s head whenever they’re making out
C. Not flying repeatedly into a floor-to-ceiling mirror
D. Pretending to be a stuffed bird as you reenact the famous Monty Python routine for friends, and then suddenly pop up at the end and scare everybody

Answer. C is most important, because you can’t have the others if Polly has a major concussion. But really, how cool would D be?  Especially if the bird also says, “I am not deceased.  I’m am not deceased.”

And that concludes this six part series on children and animals. Next week, we will return to my regular aimless ramblings.



  1. Hew’s not dead, he’s just resting.

  2. He’s not dead, he’s just resting.

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