Posted by: laughs4dads | June 7, 2010

No Worries

I am unilaterally declaring June Kids’ Safety Month.

In the next few posts, I will be calling your attention to various dangers your child may encounter, in case there are any you’re not already worried about.  For instance, have you heard about 9-year-old Lexie Archuleta, a Colorado girl who was struck by lightning while in her bedroom?  She’s fine, but now, among all the other safety precautions we take as parents, it seems that we have to plug our children into surge protectors.

The reason we worry so much is because we really love our kids, as opposed to our parents, who hated us. They wanted us to be ill, psychologically damaged, learning-impaired, overweight, maimed for life, addicted to drugs, alcoholic, exploited by technology that had not yet been invented, and, ultimately, dead before our times, most likely in some horrible crime that would be later featured in a Lifetime Network movie as soon as cable TV came along.

How else to explain how little our parents did to protect us.

I mean, when I was growing up, my parents’ idea of keeping me safe was telling me to wear boots when it rained and not letting me go swimming right after eating.

They weren’t worried about: germs that cause new deadly strains of the flu; cribs with sliding sides capable of severing children’s limbs; strollers through which children could slip and strangle themselves; toys from countries that they wouldn’t think of buying products from anyway because the goal of said countries was to destroy our way of life; the paint on their walls; fabrics that could spontaneously erupt in flames; exposed electrical outlets that invited small children to insert their fingers; deadly, sharp-cornered furniture; anything smaller than a planet which a kid might swallow; medicine bottles that could possibly be opened by someone without superpowers; their kids either watching or participating in Internet porn; transfats; abduction (terrestrial or alien); steroids; drinking and driving; driving and texting; sexting; AD/HD; SIDS; STDs; serial killers; strangers; over-scheduling; cancer caused by cell phones; air bags crushing their children; vaccinations causing autism; autism; sports injuries; cabinet doors; child-eating pit bulls; deer ticks; Catholic priests; carpal tunnel; obesity; anorexia; Britney Spears; Halloween candy; carbon monoxide; cow’s milk; sex on TV (Jeannie couldn’t even show her navel, for Pete’s sake); violence in video games; explicit lyrics in music…

…well you get the idea. But here’s the funny thing: from 1950 until now, the survival rate for Americans to age 15 is essentially flat. That is, kids in America were about as likely to make it to driving age before parents started protecting them from all this stuff as they are now, even with seatbelts and bicycle helmets and Purell.

So kids, go ahead and talk to that stranger. Just wear your boots when you do.




  1. Hi there — I enjoyed your post! May I add (to the boots and the swimming-after-eating) “look both ways before you cross”?

    I surfed in because one of WordPress’s automatically selected links for a post of mine pointed to this one. Mine is on over-the-top health and safety regulations, but not necessarily about kids (though there’s stuff about bike riding, games that might put your eye out, and cotton candy).

    Please stop by, if you have a minute (but who has a minute when they’ve got kids?)

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