Posted by: laughs4dads | July 16, 2010

Don’t Give Birth Without It

In an article entitled “It’s Not Labor, It’s Bliss,” The New York Post, my source for all news that can be summed up in snappy headline, describes a growing trend in having babies: hypnobirthing.

Apparently, this is a drug-free method of giving birth that reduces what I’m told is agonizing pain into “discomfort.” In fact, it makes the process so enjoyable, The Post listed the article on its Website in the entertainment section!

Hypnobirthing is a method of relaxation via visualization and deep breathing that allows the mother to relax enough to let her body do its job in this natural process. It can be such a successful technique that one practitioner is even quoted as saying “I would give birth again tomorrow!”

I would conjecture that the woman quoted may not be exactly drug-free, if you know what I mean.

When Casey was born, Barbara was in labor for, let’s see, one…two…about three weeks. No, that can’t be right. But it was longer than a day. A really, really long day. And frankly, I can’t imagine that any attempt on my part to swing a pocket watch in front of her face while saying “Your eyes are getting heavy” would have had any result other than said watch being thrown at me with deadly accuracy.

Barbara ended up getting an epidural and a c-section, and I didn’t think any less of her, and Casey turned out fine, although she can get a little too sarcastic at times.

But some people would have you think that using drugs during childbirth or having a baby extracted through your belly is selfish, an indication that the mother doesn’t care about the welfare of her baby.

For these people, even hypnobirthing is a sign of weakness. The article quotes an OB-GYN: “The patient is putting herself into a trancelike state, so she’s not very present in the room physically. She achieved her goal of not having any pain medication, but she seemed a little dulled to the experience.”

In other words, the mother has not enjoyed the complete experience of childbirth because she has not achieved maximum pain.

Now before any woman reading this gets her dander up, let me say for the record that I admit to having no idea what pain is. I do not know what it feels like to have something the size of a bowling ball come out of a small orifice, nor do I wish to find out. If it were up to the likes of me to continue the species, humans would have ceased to exist soon after they began walking erect.

So as far as I’m concerned, any method a woman wants to use to make childbirth easier is okay. Have the baby in the bottom of a swimming pool. Have the baby on the moon in zero gravity. Get the epidural. Get two. Have an LSD chaser if you like. Whatever works, including hypnobirthing.

I just hope your baby doesn’t cluck like a chicken.

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