Posted by: laughs4dads | July 28, 2010

What’s for Dinner?

Well there’s terrible news for starving kids all over the world: Americans have begun a war on childhood obesity. This means that food will become even scarcer in impoverished nations, because selfish American parents are no longer forcing their children to finish their dinners.

I know I did my part growing up. “Finish your dinner,” my mother would say. “Children are starving in Russia.”

I didn’t know why my mother was worried about Communist children in a faraway land, but I certainly didn’t want them to go hungry on my account. So I finished everything on my plate. Except calves liver. If those commie kids died of malnutrition because I didn’t eat liver, so be it. Those moppets in Minsk were ungrateful for my sacrifice anyway; even though I suffered a chubby childhood for them, they were still threatening to nuke us.

Of course, I never quite understood the cause-and-effect relationship between my dinner in Queens and Ivan’s in Moscow. I imagined that if I didn’t finish my chicken, an equivalent amount of borscht would somehow disappear over there.

But now, everybody in the United States is worried about their kids getting fat, so they don’t care about hungry children overseas anymore. Celebrities are always asking us to donate money for starving children, but it won’t make a difference because our children are no longer being asked to finish their dinners.

The Civil Wars could stop tomorrow. The droughts could end in a torrent of rain. Manna could drop from the sky over Darfur. But it wouldn’t matter, because some kid in Brooklyn left a little Hamburger Helper on his plate.

I have an idea. From now on American parents should tell their kids: “Leave something on your plate. Children in [fill in your favorite third world country] are starving.” This makes more sense anyway, since there’s only consumption on one end of the equation. Our kids will take in fewer calories, and whatever Johnny in Indianapolis doesn’t eat, Jagajeet in India will magically receive.

Only problem is, Jagajeet probably can’t eat calves liver.

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