Posted by: laughs4dads | July 31, 2010

News Update: Your Return Has Been Received and Your Account Credited

Well Artyom Savelyev is back where he started from.

In case the name is unfamiliar to you, Artyom was one of those spies that we sent back to Russia recently, right before the international trade deadline. The Russkies made us include that hot redhead in the deal, but we got back a promising minor league pitcher.

No, wait, wrong story. And I guess I have Major League Baseball’s trade deadline on my mind. Artyom was the kid whose adoptive mother sent him back to Russia alone. Remember? There was a whole uproar about child abuse, because the kid had been forced to live in Tennessee.

Anyway, so now Artyom is back in a Russian orphanage awaiting adoption. And now that Russia has agreed to once again allow adoptions by Americans, Artyom could conceivably be sent back to our shores, which would mean he’ll have a hell of a lot of frequent flyer miles for a 7-year-old.

Russia, in permitting its orphans to be exported, has made a few demands, including:

1. That its supervisory agencies can monitor the children until they are no longer minors. I’m not sure what the definition of “monitoring” is. Perhaps the kid just has to send them a letter occasionally, like kids do from summer camp. “Hello, comrades. I am doing fine here at Camp America. Please send more underwear and cookies.”

2. The Russians would prefer that the adoptive family speak Russian or be willing to learn the language. Oooh, I know just the people! Oh, right, we just sent them back to Russia because they were spies.

3. Same sex couples or single parents would be frowned upon. A Russian official added “Не то там что-нибыдь неправильно с тем.” which is Russian for “not that there’s anything wrong with that.” (Disclaimer: if that’s not accurate, please blame worldlingo.com.)

Apparently another woman from Tennessee has stepped up and said that she would like to be Artyom’s guardian. To which Artyom replied, with a disturbing Russian drawl, “No thanks. I’ll stay here in the orphanage. Please pass the vodka.”

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