Posted by: laughs4dads | August 28, 2010

SATURDAY BULLETIN: Birth Rate Declines

The birth rate in the U.S. is the lowest that it’s been in a century, which would indicate one of two things: either Americans are poorer or Americans are smarter.

According to the National Center for Health Statistics, the U.S. birth rate in 2009 was 2.7%, which translates to 13.5 births for every 1,000 people, down from 14.3 in 2007. Considering the inclusion of Octomom, I’d say there are a lot of Americans who aren’t pulling their weight.

Experts blame the recession; worries about the economy are making people put off having kids. They point to a similar birth rate decline during the depression.

Stephanie Ventura, the demographer in charge of the report, said, “It doesn’t matter how you look at it – fertility has declined.”

Well, no, fertility has not declined, unless Ms. Ventura is implying that the state of the economy has people scared spermless. And eggless.

I suspect America is as fertile as ever (except maybe if you live near radioactive waste). It’s just that, in a rare instance of intelligence, Americans are showing some judgement, and saying, “Gee, honey, neither of us have jobs, maybe we should splurge on a condom. I don’t care what the pope says.” (I added the last part in case the couple in question is Catholic. Actually, I made up the first part, too.)

To put this birth rate in perspective, in 1909 it was 30 births per 1,000 people. That’s more than twice as many babies! Can you imagine what a headache it was to fly in those days with all those crying infants and the, um, open cockpits. All this fertility led to Prohibition in 1920, as politicians were convinced Americans were getting drunk and screwing around too much.

Anyway, back to the 2009 birth rate. Experts are concerned that the trend may signal something similar to what happened in Japan in the 1990s, when the birth rate dropped so low that camera sales declined. This is known in Japan as “the lost decade.” If they ever find it, they’ll have a lot of episodes of Law & Order to catch up on.

In a bit of good news, Great Britain saw it’s largest increase in birth rates in half a century, due in part to Russell Brand. No, that’s not true. He’s been here in America, shooting a remake of Arthur. But the part about England’s birth rate is true.

So, if you do have kids, encourage them to become dentists. We’re going to need them.



  1. SATURDAY BULLETIN: Birth Rate Declines « Laughs 4 Dads…

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