Posted by: laughs4dads | September 6, 2010

Hail, Caesar!

Today is Labor Day, and I thought a good way to celebrate would be to recall the day Barbara went into labor.

It was a cool, sunny morning in August, and Barbara woke up with mild discomfort. So we went to the hospital, and about a half hour later, Casey popped out, and I held her up and sang “The Circle of Life,” from The Lion King, which was quite forward-thinking on my part, since the movie wouldn’t come out for another eight years.


It was a typical hot, humid, disgusting August day in New York, and we went to the hospital like 20 times and they kept sending us back like Mexicans at the border and, at some point, some woman’s (not Barbara) water broke while she was sitting next to me in the hospital and it smelled like fish, and they gave Barbara an epidural, and a doctor came and yelled “fetal distress,” and they rolled Barbara into the operating room and I sat by her head while the doctors did all sorts of things to the lower part of her body and I peeked once and saw stuff I didn’t want to see, and we never even got to do the breathing thing, and they finally yanked this huge mass of bloody flesh and red hair out of Barbara’s stomach and told us it was a girl, and then they gave Barbara some morphine.

Yeah, I think it was more like that second one.

In 2007, about a third of all births in America occurred by Caesarean section, as opposed to 4.5% in 1965, which indicates, obviously, a dramatic rise in wisdom over the years. Personally, I think it should be closer to 85%, which would allow for a 15% incidence of masochism.

On one hand, we have: pick a date; make an appointment; have a safe operation; give birth to a baby without a misshapen head; rest up for a couple of days; go home.

On the other hand, we have: breathing classes; extreme pain; running around like lunatics; not being able to schedule meetings around the due date; not being able to print the birth announcements until after the birth; more pain; some pain for the mother, too; worrying about hitting traffic on the way to the hospital; and the baby coming out looking like a conehead. Then getting almost immediately evicted from the hospital by your insurance company.  Or, of course, you still have a 3-in-1 chance of ending up with a C-section anyway!

How is that even a choice? Choosing a Caesar salad is a tougher decision!

So on this Labor Day, as we bid adieu to summer, let us also say adios to an outmoded way of having babies.

C-sections for everyone! Hell, even if you’re not having a baby!



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