Posted by: laughs4dads | September 27, 2010

NEWS FLASH: Pesticides are Bad for Your Children

Last week, I wrote about some of the stuff that helps make fast food kids’ meals so yummy. But, right now, as I enjoy a healthy snack of fresh fruit, I’d like you to know that it is, of course, perfectly possible to poison your child without the aid of a drive-thru window.

For instance, a recent study in the journal Pediatrics has laid the blame for the increase in attention deficit hyperactivity disorder firmly on the head of pesticides like malathion, according to a post by Mary Beth Simmons.

Instances of ADHD have been rising 3% a year since 1997, so it’s a big deal to find out what’s causing the increase in diaper rash, for which mommy bloggers are blaming Max-Dry Pampers. They’ve even started an anti-pampers Facebook page.

Wait, I got sidetracked there. What was I talking about? Oh, yeah. ADHD.

So this study found that for every tenfold increase in the urinary concentration of pesticide residue, there was a 35 percent increase in the chance that the child would develop ADHD. On the plus side, these kids got fewer mosquito bites.

Also, have you seen the chocolate and vanilla flavored baby formula they have now? You just know that’s a bad idea, don’t you? I don’t know why yet, but they’ll find something.

And have you heard about malathion? Of course you have; I just told you about it five paragraphs ago. The news about it possibly causing ADHD is very good, because it means that kids simply have to stop eating so many malathion snacks, such as Malathion Chips, Frozen Malathion Sticks, and Chocolatey Malathion Bars (with or without almonds).

And now some communities are trying to ban McDonalds Happy Meal toys, so your child probably shouldn’t eat those, either. Just stick to healthy fruits and vegetables and they’ll be fine.

Um, hold on. My train of thought got derailed there for a moment.

Back to ADHD. So I was kidding before about the malathion snacks. No one would go out of their way to eat malathion. It’s just a pesticide that your kids ingest when they eat…OH NO…fruits and vegetables!

Yes, that’s right. Eating blueberries, celery and other fruits and vegetables could cause ADHD. And what’s up with all the vampires lately?

With all the stuff your kids can’t eat anymore, it’s a good thing you can now make your own Hostess Twinkies. In fact, Hostess puts out a complete set with everything you need, except the actual ingredients, for which I guess you’d have to go to a laboratory. Where else would you get stuff like polysorbate 60, dextrin, calcium caseinate, sodium stearol lactylate and calcium sulfate. Of course, the great thing about making Twinkies is that you can bake a batch now for your 3-year-old daughter, and they’ll still be around for her children, all spongy and fresh (the Twinkies, not your grandchildren).

So, in conclusion, it seems like if you’d prefer not to have your children get ADHD, try not to feed them pesticides, although, frankly, I have to think that the rise in ADHD diagnoses has more to do with doctors diagnosing just about anything as ADHD than with any environmental factors. I mean, ADHD has risen about 100% since when I was a kid, because there was no such thing as ADHD when I was a kid.

We did have Twinkies, though. They may even have been from the same batch they’re selling now.

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