Posted by: laughs4dads | October 4, 2010

How to Affect the Gender of Your Baby After You’re Pregnant

On September 6, The New York Post published an article by Tim Perone entitled “Want a Girl? Eat Your Beans.” Since it wasn’t accompanied by a photo of a hot babe in a bikini, which The Post will do at the slightest provocation, I knew that, by “girl,” the title meant a baby girl, as opposed to a date.

I haven’t included a link to the article, because here’s the whole thing:

“The secret to deciding your baby’s gender may be in your pantry.

A Dutch study has found that pregnant women dieting on beans and cheeses are more likely to give birth to girls, reports Britain’s Daily Mail.

As for prospective dads, they don’t have to watch their plates. Their eating habits have zero impact on a baby’s gender, the five-year study concluded.”

Now, I just barely passed biology in high school, but I think I read somewhere that once a woman is pregnant, the gender of the offspring has been pretty well established, and that a diet of cheese and beans is likely only to fill the home with even more sounds and bodily odors than would normally be produced by a pregnant woman, which is to say, “Eeeewwwwww!”

So I decided to give those Dutch researchers the benefit of the doubt and assume that they haven’t been spending too much of their time in those weed bars in Amsterdam. I took the very unusual step of doing a little research, and I tracked the study back to its source. No, not Holland. The Daily Mail.

There we discover that those Dutch scientists do, in fact, recommend that any change in diet, if it is to have an affect on the gender of a baby, should be undertaken before getting pregnant. There is also more detail about what should and should not be consumed:

“…refrain from eating sodium and potassium-rich foods, such as anchovies, olives, bacon, salami, smoked salmon, prawns, savoury rice, blue cheese, potatoes, processed meats, bread and pastries. Instead they should concentrate on foods rich in calcium and magnesium. Foods containing high amounts of calcium include yoghurt, hard cheese, canned salmon, rhubarb, spinach, tofu, almonds, oatmeal, broccoli and oranges. Brazil and cashew nuts, whole wheat cereals, figs and beans are rich in magnesium.”

I would add, perhaps, that refraining from foods like anchovies, blue cheese and salami might be a good idea if you’d like to get pregnant at all, at least if you’d like to do it in the traditional way, involving a human of the opposite sex not wearing a gas mask.

There are no recommendations on what to eat if you want a son, but I’d assume cold pizza would be at the top of the list.

So what can we learn from all of this? Well, for starters, that The Post can’t seem to get a story right even when they copy it from another newspaper. Also, if you’re a Jewish woman who would prefer not to have your baby circumcised, lay off the lox.

In other science news from The Land of Tulips, AOL Health reports Dutch researchers have discovered that “babies who are born at night in hospitals have a higher risk of dying than babies who are born during the day.” Specifically:

“Infants who were born either in the evening (between 6 p.m. and midnight) or overnight into early morning (between midnight and 8 a.m.) were 32 percent to 47 percent more likely to die than those who were born during the day.”

Frankly, this is the most surprising scientific finding I have heard about in quite awhile. I really would have thought that all babies have an equal chance of dying. Eventually. And it’s shocking news indeed to the parents of the kids who are never going to die and who, if they move back home after college, are going to put quite a dent in the parents’ retirement plans.

Okay, okay. I know what they meant. Now think of the implications. According to the study, there are more hours of the day (14) when your newborn is in grave danger than not. Unless, of course, the danger isn’t so much from when your child is born but where.

In other words, if you’re going to give birth between 6 p.m. and 8 a.m., don’t do it in Holland.

So, remember: eat your tofu and rhubarb and have your baby during business hours in a country without legalized drugs and you’ll have a healthy, long-lived daughter and a really lousy retirement.

I think I’ve summed it all up as well The New York Post would have.

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