Posted by: laughs4dads | January 5, 2011

The Baby Diaries (by Casey Hallen, as told to, and translated by, her dad)

In going through some old papers, I made an amazing discovery: a page of my daughter’s diary from around when she was two years old. The page is crinkled and yellowed and, of course, imaginary, but I have painstakingly translated her scribblings, with about as much care as I imagine was taken when transcribing the dead sea scrolls, or maybe hieroglyphics drawn by an Egyptian toddler:

I woke up at 7:30, but mommy doesn’t like me to cry until eight, so I played in my crib.  Loudly.  First I talked to Baby, my little gorilla.  Then I cranked up my activity center to hear the music.  Then I jumped up and down so I could listen to the springs make noise. 

I guess mommy didn’t want to sleep anymore, because she came and got me out.

She changed my diaper while I kicked her.  We went downstairs and I sat on my big beanbag chair with a bottle and watched “Sesame Street.”  I like Bert and Ernie and Grover the best.  I hate Bob because daddy says he’s a wimp.

My favorite part of “Sesame Street” is when they sing “The Alphabet Song.”  I really love “The Alphabet Song.”  Do you know how it goes?  It goes “A,B,C,D,E,F,G/ H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O,P/ Q,R,S,T, U,V/ Double, X,Y and Z./ Now I know my A-B-C’s/ Next time won’t you sing with me?”  Isn’t that a catchy tune?  I could sing it all day.  And I do. 

(Daddy’s Note: You really can’t get the full effect of this unless you actually hear how painfully off-key it was.  But don’t despair.  If you would like the full experience, simply Paypal $19.95 plus $4.95 postage and handling to haldirect@aol.com, and I will be happy to send you a small blackboard which you can scrape with your fingernails. Hurry–supplies limited.)

Also during “Sesame Street,” I ate breakfast, which was a waffle even though I asked for a green ice pop.  Then I said, “Mommy, potty,” because I was pooping and mommy said that I was a good girl even though I should have told her before I pooped.  I pretended not to understand.

So mommy dressed me in my bathing suit and I was very happy because I like swimming but I hate what happens before we go swimming, which is mommy smears this stuff all over me.  She says it’s so I don’t get sunburned.  Don’t get me wrong; I don’t mind being smeared with stuff, but only when I do it myself and it’s chocolate.

Swimming was fun.  Mommy puts these yellow things on my arms and blows them up.  That way I can swim by myself.  That’s good, but it makes it harder to swallow as much water as I’d like to.

Lots of my friends were at the pool including Benjamin and Jonathan.  Jonathan’s younger than me, so he doesn’t hit me as much as some of my other friends, but that’s okay because he has a dog that licks my hand.  Benjamin is going to be my boyfriend when we get older if some other girl doesn’t get to him first.  Benjamin is so handsome and brave.  You should see how he goes jumping into the water.  And it’s so funny how his mother, Rory, starts pointing and screaming when he does that.

We had lunch by the pool.  It was turkey and fruit, even though I asked for a green ice pop.  Then I looked for bugs for awhile, and I found some, but mommy wouldn’t pick them up like daddy does.

On the way home for my nap, I sang “The Alphabet Song” again:  “A,B,C,D,E,F,G/ H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O,P/ Q,R,S,T,U,V,/ Double, X,Y and Z/ Now I know my A-B-C’s/ Next time won’t you sing with me?” 

(Daddy’s note: That address again is haldirect@aol.com.)

Mommy put me in my crib with a bottle and I had a nice nap dreaming that Big Bird pecked Bob’s head off. I woke up just in time for “Sesame Street” which is on for two hours in the afternoon, even on weekends, because mommy has about five days worth on tape.  I know because she keeps showing me the same ones over and over, and they’re getting pretty boring.  But I won’t tell her because I don’t want to hurt her feelings and, besides, she seems to enjoy it so much when I watch. 

(Daddy’s note: Casey watching “Sesame Street” was to Barbara what a vacation is to most people, except it was cheaper and we didn’t end up with a bunch of t-shirts.)

After “Sesame Street,” I had dinner, which was fish sticks and peas, even though I asked for a green ice pop.  Then we fed my fish, which I named Bigby and Pretzel, and then mommy gave me some pretzels. 

Finally came the best part of my day.  Daddy came home!  I love daddy very much because when he comes home he gives me a green ice pop.  While I ate it, he went upstairs to change out of the clothes he wears to work and he came back wearing ugly red shorts.  By that time, the green ice pop was melting all over the living room, and I went over to share it with him because I love him so much.  Daddy is so funny.  He makes this sound like “yucch” and he pretends he doesn’t like cold, green, sticky gunk running down his leg. Which is silly, of course, because that’s really fun. 

By now I knew it was only about an hour until mommy got me ready for bed, so daddy and I played with as many different toys as possible in that time.  Daddy says we should put one toy away before we play with another, but I’m too fast for him. 

Right before my bath, I sang “The Alphabet Song” for daddy: “A,B,C,D,E,F,G/ H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O,P/ Q,R,S,T,U,V/ Double, X, Y and Z/ Now I know my A-B-C’s/ Next time won’t you sing with me?”  Daddy loves to hear me sing this and he gets this silly expression on his face that reminds me of Kermit the Frog when he scrunches up his mouth. 

(Daddy’s Note: If you don’t want to send for the blackboard, you can simulate the experience by simply ramming your funny bone into a hard object.)

My bath was lots of fun.  Mommy put me in the water and got me all wet and then I said, “Mommy, potty,” and she took me out and put me on the potty seat but I couldn’t go so she put me back into the water and I peed.  Then we played “Splish, Splash.”  This is where I splash mommy and she gets wet.  Then I splash her some more and she gets wetter.  She always gets even, though.  She washes my hair.  Can’t she find some other way to punish me?

After my bath, mommy put a new diaper on me with a Diaper Doubler, and also a t-shirt, and we went downstairs so I could sit on daddy’s lap while I drank my bottle and we watched the Mets game.  Daddy likes to whisper to me while I’m in his lap.  He says he loves me and how beautiful I am.  I know that he’s trying to get me to say, “I love you, daddy,” because I say it really cute, and every once in awhile I say it to him because he seems to get a kick out of it.  I did tonight, and he smiled.

Then I kissed mommy and daddy and we hugged each other and mommy took me upstairs and put me in my crib with Baby, my little gorilla, and big kitty cat and little kitty cat and elephant and bear and dog and dinosaur and my blanket.

I was very tired, because I did so much today.  But I wasn’t so tired that I couldn’t sing “The Alphabet Song” one more time: 

(Daddy’s note: okay, everybody sing!) 

“A,B,C,D,E,F,G/ H,I,J,K, L,M,N,O,P/ Q,R,S,T,U,V/ Double, X Y and Z/ Now I know my A-B-C’s/ Next time won’t you sing with me?”

Did I mention how much I like “The Alphabet Song?”

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